hate

Just yesterday, I broke down again. I got the same emotional break down I got 3 months ago. At 1 am I texted a friend to have someone to talk to, but to my frustrations he wants to take a rest so I didn’t bother. At 1:15 am, I decided to go out and get some fresh air, I traveled 20 minutes just so I can think and try not to mind my emotions. I know I am heading to nowhere and I am one step closer to danger. I was on the street and have no one by my side.

Chanced upon a resto and got myself some comforting food, but that didn’t decrease the emotion raging in me. I was staring blankly into space, high as f*ck while sipping that chocolate drink. Stood up and I just walked away from that place

“there was a park about 500 meters away, that would be a good place for me to unwind.” I said.

While walking I am still staring blankly, like a zombie maybe.

I reach a part where I can sit comfortably, there I started to cry. I cried like I don’t care anymore. Duh it is already 2 am, who the hell will be there aside from that guard who is doing his rounds. I know that depression will struck again, I know I will be miserable in the next days to come ~ again, I know I will have sleepless nights again. Damn this feelings.

I thought that I already forgot the pain, I thought that you don’t fuvking mind anymore. I thought I got a progress of erasing you. I thought, I fuvking thought… Maybe I am just a coward, afraid to face those people whom I don’t owe an explanation why the “happy us” has gotten to an end. Fuvk them. But fuvk myself as well for being not able to move on.

Right now, all I feel about you is HATE. Never did I thought that the once so important and my so loved person will have the most hate in my heart. I hated you for everything that you made me feel. I hated you for not respecting me as a woman with dignity. I hated you because after the break-up you never protected me and instead you degrade me and made our friends think that I am not worthy of respect. i hate you, i really hate you.