hate

Just yesterday, I broke down again. I got the same emotional break down I got 3 months ago. At 1 am I texted a friend to have someone to talk to, but to my frustrations he wants to take a rest so I didn’t bother. At 1:15 am, I decided to go out and get some fresh air, I traveled 20 minutes just so I can think and try not to mind my emotions. I know I am heading to nowhere and I am one step closer to danger. I was on the street and have no one by my side.

Chanced upon a resto and got myself some comforting food, but that didn’t decrease the emotion raging in me. I was staring blankly into space, high as f*ck while sipping that chocolate drink. Stood up and I just walked away from that place

“there was a park about 500 meters away, that would be a good place for me to unwind.” I said.

While walking I am still staring blankly, like a zombie maybe.

I reach a part where I can sit comfortably, there I started to cry. I cried like I don’t care anymore. Duh it is already 2 am, who the hell will be there aside from that guard who is doing his rounds. I know that depression will struck again, I know I will be miserable in the next days to come ~ again, I know I will have sleepless nights again. Damn this feelings.

I thought that I already forgot the pain, I thought that you don’t fuvking mind anymore. I thought I got a progress of erasing you. I thought, I fuvking thought… Maybe I am just a coward, afraid to face those people whom I don’t owe an explanation why the “happy us” has gotten to an end. Fuvk them. But fuvk myself as well for being not able to move on.

Right now, all I feel about you is HATE. Never did I thought that the once so important and my so loved person will have the most hate in my heart. I hated you for everything that you made me feel. I hated you for not respecting me as a woman with dignity. I hated you because after the break-up you never protected me and instead you degrade me and made our friends think that I am not worthy of respect. i hate you, i really hate you.

Little by little..

I know I am not supposed to have another lover despite me not being able to move on yet. But, I have my reasons. Though I am not really sure if I love him or I am just seeing him as a replacement to console myself from the pain of the past. And I don’t want to be alone either. I know I am labeled as selfish for this. During our first month with this “guy”, everything was actually fine, he is malambing, caring and thoughtful (?) but as the days progressed, little did I know that he’s just good at the starting line. We kept on fighting, almost everyday. I thought I love him, but I am wrong. That was just a mere infatuation I guess since I was looking for someone to fill my vacuum. I know he is not the one, I know I will never love him like the way I did before him.

Everyday, I kept on questioning myself as to why I am still staying. Cguro naghahanap lang ako nang tiempo na iwan siya. I am still in the process of making my path clear. Para pag alis ko wala na akong bagahe. Maybe when the timing is right, maybe when the timing is on my side.

The ~me still in denial

I have been contemplating on whether I should post this blog or just keep it to myself and cry elsewhere. But, duh who cares, I am the only one who knows about this bullcrap blog full of ~emotionally sicken post.

It has been 3 months and 4 days since we broke up. Damn me on being so detailed. And I should slap my self real hard for being so poor in my decision making skills – or do I really have that skill?

Hi Mr. First love, first and foremost I just want to tell you I missed you so effing much that sometimes I find myself crying for that reason. Guess who is the loser now? Pssh don’t mention the obvious. You know what is regret, right? Then damn that is all I got right now, every f*cking second of my life. I should, again, slap myself for being me.

Someone is so hard to forget if they’ve given you so much to remember. I have spend 25% of my life with you, then is that something easy to fucking forget? No.

For the past three months, all I did is to distract myself and tried to be the happiest of person I can be. But I kept on failing, maybe you are still the one who can make the best of me? demn brain why can’t I have memory-eraser pill?

Chelsea, WALA NA KAYO! GUMISING KA!

Chelsea, It’s okay to cry. Let it all out. No one is gonna stop you. Just lay there all day, reminisce and feel all the pain. You can do all the things you promised yourself you’ll never do.

You are here now. There’s no way to avoid it. Someday, someday you will be okay.